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Journal #1 - 12.12.11

December 12th, 2011

My mind can’t stop changing through emotions, I can’t help myself. I want her back so bad. My mind tells me to give her the space, and everything will work out, my heart craves her. It’s so painful to try to bring myself to the measures to give her the space that she needs, just for a chance, not even a guarantee that I’ll get her back. It confuses me so well why she’s putting me through this, is there a mystery of love I don’t understand, or is life cruel? She tells me she loves me, she tells me she misses me, how am I supposed to feel. I’m patient, maybe through all it she’ll tell me she wants to be with me once her confusion is over. I try to hold back tears but I can’t, I drop a few every so often. I don’t want to cry, I want her to tell me that she’s here for me, and for me not to cry, even if she has to lie to me.  I want to tell her everything, but I know that this time, bombarding her isn’t the way to fix it. I try to softly underlie that I’m still interested and she laughs at me, that’s not the girl I know. Is she really laughing at me, or is she just deflecting it. I hope she is going through as much pain as I am going through. I wish I had someone else to talk to. Now she’s taking a nap, I left her alone to give her space, not because I wanted to, but because I know that’s what she needed. I painfully decided to write this, in hopes that it would ease the thoughts from my mind, and help me.

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